Feb 26th - I Wish Salesmen Were Forbiddden in the City

Today we walked to Tiananmen Square after getting settled at our hotel in downtown Beijing. I'd describe the view from our hotel room, but we decided to go with the cheapest little number inthe place, which doesn't come with a window. Maybe we'll change rooms tomorrow, but right now it seems like a bit of a pane. I didn't sleep at all on the train last night, so I'm inclined to crash just about anywhere tonight. My, that pile of broken beer bottles is looking like a feather bed right now. Very inviting. But no, there are places to go, people to sell us stuff.

This brings me to our little visit to Tiananmen Square. By the way, it seems to be perfectly square by all my calculations. I was worried that it would turn out to be just another rhombus or trapezoid, and my trip would be ruined. But no! Baby, it's square and I'm hip to it. Down the street, you can see the building where former Chinese leader Mao's body is resting. For five bucks you can get up close enough to see his body. All that separates you from his Commie Corpse is a 1/4 inch sheet of glass. Spooky! I don't know the number for Beijing Ghostbusters, so I better not chance it. I'll just walk on by.

Now on to the Forbidden City. The first thing I noticed was the red paint. Everywhere. I think the Chinese people believe that red is their collective colour, because it's everywhere! Red walls, red flags, red rum... We walked across a little bridge and were suddenly inside this ancient fortress surrounded by walls, roughly 30 feet tall. The buildings were incredibly detailed, with thatched roofs and gold paint everywhere. It's just so fabulous, that I have a feeling - and it's just a feeling - that the Emperor was either a bit of a Fairy, or he had some help from the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy team. I will only say that once, because if that opinion went public, I would probably have my right hand cut off and I'd be forced to do the rest of my writing with my nose or big toe.

It's been established that I hate the mall. I can't drag myself into those retail stores because those smarmy clerks are always verbally assaulting me. "May I help you?" Jeez, I'm not an invalid. I can help myself thank you very much. Now, please allow me to check out back for my size. Do you honestly think they really have to "Check out back" every time? Don't you think they would have a rough idea what's in stock? And why is the store room always at the back of the store? Couldn't they check on the side? Or in the attic? I want to shop at a store where they say: "Yes, we might have that. Let me chack the Lazy Susan."

Now, back to the forbidden city. I was just looking around, minding my own business, when I found myself being attacked by salesmen everywhere I turned. They would say "Hello ____ (insert product). Hello. T-Shirt. Hello. Soft Drink. Hello. Restraining Order!" A few guys were trying to sell me guided tours of other tourist traps. "Hello. Great Wall. Hello. Terra Cotta Warriors." I'll just go with this one for now thanks. Where are we again? Oh right, the mall. Do you have this in a Go to Hell? Maybe. I'll check out back.