Did You Read The Headlines?

I just found out that I was being spied on recently at a restaurant. My Mother-In-Law, ever the fan of the occult, hired a psychic to come along and secretly scope me out for flaws, etc. I don't know if the whole dinner was staged for that reason alone, as there were other friends invited too, but I of course, didn't know what was going on; everyone spoke in Mandarin as usual, so I just sat there and ate silently.

My wife told me what was going on the next day. She asked if I wanted to hear about it, and I said no, as I thought it was a crock of shit. I would however, like to know how much this dude got paid for doing this, and if it's a lot, I would like to get in on this scam. They could call me “The Paleface Liar” or something, and I will judge your cosmic energy by how many times you get up to go to the bathroom during dinner, and how many times you chew before swallowing to calculate your zodiac number in the cosmos.

My wife decided to tell me some stuff anyway, but all casual-like. She said, yeah he said you must be healthy because you can drink a lot and it doesn’t phase you. I laughed. Either that or alcoholism is genetic. Did you tell him about my Irish roots? That should be considered. I probably drink a lot less than your average pig farmer. Oh, and that wrinkle on your forehead, it means you are independent. What? That's enough, that's enough. “No, no,” she says. My wife was getting a kick out of this. He was looking at the way you hold your chopsticks too. He says the higher you hold your sticks, the further you will go in life.

Apparently, he only found good things, or at least that's all my wife was telling me about. I must have a good cosmic balance in my zodiac bank account. Mother-In-Law went off to his den to have another reading for herself just now. I don't know if they will throw tea into the air or roll the cat's bones, but hopefully he can tell her which lottery numbers to pick, and who is going to win the Stanley Cup this year. Just think, if you had this guy around all the time, you'd never have to leave the house! Or at the very least, you wouldn't want to. It would be too hilarious. Now excuse me, I have to go iron out the wrinkle on my forehead, just to throw him off.