Feb 16th - Arcade Celebrity/Chinese Walmart

Today we hung out with my wife's cousin. He speaks a bit of English (actually the best out of anyone I've met over here so far) and he asked if he could take us to the arcade. I've been to CHQ or whatever the hell it's called in Metrotown back home, and I had to leave because the noise and heat were cranked beyond the level of disco inferno. This place was no different. Noiseland Vidiot Arcade as I call it, was packed to the tits with kids. Smoking is allowed inside, almost encouraged, so I was feeling a little green when I first went in, but after the head rush was gone, I settled in.

We were playing basketball at first, you know the kind where the rim moved back & forth in order to make it more of a challenge. I was doing alright, considering the fact that it's been a while since I played. All of a sudden, a guy in a suit with a microphone came up and yelled "HELLO!" at me. He stuck the microphone in my face and I yelled "HELLO!" back just as ridiculously. He said "ARE YOU RUSSIAN?" What an odd question. Is that the type of thing that passes for conversation in these parts? I felt like saying, "No I'm from the USSR!" But instead I just said "No". By now a crowd was forming around us, mostly of giggling girls, and I realized that I was on the PA through the whole arcade. I felt like grabbing the mic away from him, but what could I say?

I felt a bit awkward with all these people looking at me, so I finally said "I am Canadian." He smiled, said "Welcome to Harbin", and gave me 30 free game tokens. I looked up at my score in basketball, and it was 150. I asked my wife if everyone who scores 150 baskets wins a free game or something, but she said "No, he gave you those because you're white." Talk about preferrential treatment! I was thinking I should just walk around the city and try to take advantage of my whiteness in every way I can. You know, the free "vanilla ice cream cone" at McDonald's, maybe some free "White Meat" at KFC. I'm sure businesses are just dying to help out a poor white man who's down on his luck. The crowd went away after some gigglers got their fill of staring at me, and we went back to playing our game. That was an interesting start to my day, to say the least.

My wife said she and her friend were talking about things that I could do for work here in China, and apparently, it would be very very easy for me to get on tv here. There is a shortage of Mandarin speaking whiteys for hosting game shows and talking about music videos and things. Or, if that didn't work out, maybe I could be a greeter at WALMART! Yes, they have Walmart here in China, and I went there today. The entrance is pretty much the same. Guys stand there handing out what I think are coupons, ladies fight over the best shopping cart, and kids are crying, probably because they just failed their S.A.T's I assume.

We weren't in Walmart for long. My wife just needed some contact lens solution, and she knows I get antsy in shopping malls. We just wanted to get in, get the goods & get out. But as I walked through the store, I got offered a free sample. This has international incident written all over it, I thought. There was a girl with a cup of tea, and she pushed it forward at me. I jumped back, because I thought "What if she slipped, or if I slipped, I might get my face scalded by hot tea!" I shook my head, and then another girl appeared, with a bag of loose tea leaves. She held the back open to me and jestured that I stick my hand in. What the hell am I going to do with a handful of loose tea? "Oh yes thank you, these will fit right in my pocket. My, this tea will come in handy later when I pour boiling water down my pants. Oh, could I have another handful? It looks so crunchy and gritty!"

The rest of the store looked pretty much the same as our Walmart's. That yellow smiley face is everywhere, and the big "Rollback Prices" deal is going on. I have yet to go to a "Sam's Club" yet, the Walmarts where they sell groceries, but I doubt they sell Chicken feet, fish heads and duck eggs. This one did, and I imagine you could buy them by the caselot. Just in case you're expecting company, you want to have extra pig entrails and goat spleens on hand. I'm not saying Chinese cuisine is strange, actually yeah that's exactly what I'm saying. Take it like this. If I'm buying yak's milk, just the 1 litre carton will do. I don't need to buy in bulk.