What You See is What You Gut

Have you ever walked into a restaurant and been greeted by lines of aquariums holding every fish species known to mankind? If you’ve never left Canada, of course you haven’t! Here in China, not only can you order fresh seafood, you can also hand-pick which sturgeon you’d like them to fry up for you. If you brought the kids along, they can even pet the fish before it’s gutted and cleaned and served up sechuan-style with a side of chow mein. It’s kind of like going to the touch pools at Marine Land with a cafeteria tray. Anything you think might look appetizing, you just net it, and forget it.

Sometimes, they’ll even bring the live fish up to your table in a bucket, just to make sure everything is satisfactory before they kill it. If you change your mind after the fish has been beheaded, you have to pay for it anyway. But, you get a nice bag of raw fish to take home with you as a reminder never to come to that restaurant again. In Sanya, down in Southern China, we changed our minds about one restaurant, after they led us to our unheated dining hut. It was after sunset, and it got mighty cold inside that windy little hut. I must say, it was definitely well-ventilated. Still, we changed our minds too late, after they had already “prepared” their specialty for us. Needless to say, there was a big argument, and we left with a small plastic bag filled with raw fish.

I know, I know, you can see the lobsters swimming around at restaurants back home, and point at the poor unlucky bastard you want to scarf down with melted butter, but I think my experience is a little different. To start with, it smells pretty darn bad in this “open ocean” restaurant. I’m glad our able was up on the 4th floor, away from all the fishy goodness. Some of the fish were more floating than swimming inside those putrid tanks, and their joyous scent was wafting throughout the main dining room. As a bonus though, you can also order marine fungus, which conveniently grows on the inside of all the aquariums, and probably feeds off the fish. Hell, you might as well eat the fungus, it got to the fish while it was still alive - well before you did!

A lot of these aquatic delicacies are new to me. I’ve never eaten a puffer fish or a skate. We usually just look at them in aquariums while sitting in the waiting room at the dentist’s. Now, they’re on the freakin’ menu! I half expected to see a dolphin sitting in one of those little fishbowls. Ahh yes, dolphin meat is very low in fat. He spends all day jumping through flaming hula hoops, so he keeps himself pretty lean. Give it a try! I think their slogan would have to be “this dolphin’s for you!” Has a catchy little ring to it, eh?
So, if you ever walk into a restaurant and see a wall of aquariums holding everything from sea cucumbers to sea horses, please ask to speak to the manager, or Captain as it may be. I’m sure he can recommend the catch of the day, or at least of this month. I question the freshness of seafood when I see it floating in a glass coffin in front of me. Sure, you technically just killed it, but it was barely alive to begin with. I don’t know whether to eat it, or attempt CPR! Poor things have probably never even seen the sea. How then, can they be classified as seafood? Maybe they should just call it “Eating your pets” because I think I taught that trout a trick tonight. That’s right, I taught him to play dead. Wait, I think he already knew that one. Roll over? Roll over and die, maybe. Sit? Sorry, this food doesn’t sit well. You’re outta luck, mister. If you want live animals, try the pet store.