Tranny-sylvania

The tour guide asked me if I liked Chinese songs. Sure, I’ll give any music a listen. A good song speaks to you in any language and all that jazz. Especially jazz. Nothing like a good round of sax to please the senses. Then he said we were going to see a transvestite singer. I wasn’t sure if something got lost in translation or f he was joking. I soon found out that he was serious, and not only were there transvestites, but some of the “performers” were completely snipped, and had fake boobs, long nails and their voices changed.

Outside n the parking lot, it was like a crazed mob was moving in on the theatre. There must have been 10,000 people all standing around, waiting for the 1 person who got in line to buy 3500 tickets at the group rate. Our tour guide was standing in line al civil-like, but the problem was, there were too many line weasels. The kind who sneak up from the side and act like they were there first. Our guide must have stood n one place for 20 minutes, watching the line sharks get their tickets ahead of him. It was only when Mother In Law complained to a security guard that they started to enforce the line. A cattle prod would have been useful in this situation.

Inside the theatre, things weren’t much different. We ran up to the balcony and grabbed some seats in the front row. Our group was all split up, but I made sure I was sitting next to my wife so she could tranny-slate for me. People kept running around, looking for seats and then started standing at the back. They clearly over-sold this show. I would be pissed off if I had to stand, because the show was 2 hours long.

The warm-up act was some sort of stand-up comedian who threw cheesy sound effects in with his routine. Of course I have no idea what he’s talking about, only that he’s pretending he’s on a motorcycle, then talking on a cell phone. He pretended to be a chicken for a while, then he started beatboxing. The crowd was going wild, but I wasn’t amused. This guy’s sound effects really sucked. I’m sorry, but once you see Rahzel the Godfather of Noise, there’s no going back. I saw another guy named Killa Kella who was pretty good, but nobody can touch Rahzel.

Just then, the emcee of the show came out on stage, wearing a sparkly silver vest and blazer (I guess when you’re introducing trans-sexuals, you can wear pretty much anything and look like Hulk Hogan). Actually he sounded kind of like a wrestler. Now, the moment we had all been waiting for – it was time to bring out the tranny’s. They paraded them out in different costumes – first Egyptian, then Chinese dresses, all to music corresponding to that country. There was one that could have been the U.S.A. but I wasn’t sure. There were a bunch of actual dudes dancing around in cowboy hats and chaps, and then a former dude, danced into the middle of the sage, all of them lip-synching some crappy pop song that I’ve probably heard, but changed the radio station half way through it.

This kept going on for a while, until they paraded all of the trans-sexuals out on the stage, introduced them with names like MiMi and Xiu Xiu, and then they announced that you could have your picture taken with them if you pay a fee. I started to get this really bad feeling in my stomach. I don’t know why, but looking at the Trannies’ faces made me feel sorry for them. Most of them had on “Price is Right” girl smiles, but there were a couple who atually looked kind of sad. They paraded them out into the lobby, as it was now half time. People in the audience were acting all crazy like they just HAD to get closer. It was like the zoo all over again. People paid $150 each to see the men who turned themselves into women.

I guess it’s pretty rare in China to get a sex change. They showed us a video at intermission to “educate” everyone about the different hormones, drugs and operations that these guys went through in order to entertain us. It showed China’s first trans-sexual. The crowd was all holding their mouths and turning away as they showed the before and after pictures. For most of them, I think this was the first time they had even heard about a trans sexual, let alone seeing one.

Just then, they brought out another performer, and this one was really singing. It sounded like Bea Arthur, you know from Golden Girls, if she was singing a Whitney Houston song. Then, to show us that The Wizard of Bras really did exist, they brought up a little girl from the crowd, gave her a microphone and had them sing karaoke together, trading vocal lines. The Tranny, whose name was MiMi by the way (probably short for Michael I’m guessing), would alternate between her male voice and her estrogen tablet-induced Bea Arthur Voice. The crowd was gasping and clapping in circus-style amazement.

After they paraded out the 7 or 8 Tranny’s again, the show was over, and we stated to leave. On our way out, the transvestites would grab at us and try to get us to take a picture with them (for a price, of course). Up close you could really tell that they were men. Thick make-up covered their craggy faces and sunken eyes. A couple of them looked pretty unhealthy. I put my head down and plowed through the crowd, probably taking a few press-on nails with me, as they all tried to sink their meaty claws into me. I guess this is how they make extra money. It’s kind f sad I think. The whole show was a bit like a freak show.

Afterwards we went out for dinner and I managed to open up a whole can of worms. Most people would just smile and nod, not saying a word, when asked if they liked the show. I said I didn’t like it. Big mistake. Now, I don’t know what exactly was said amongst my Chinese compadres, but my wife said she was arguing that the trannies are people, and it’s cruel to make a spectacle out of them like that and laugh at them. On the other side of the table, Mother In Law said that she doesn’t agree with the idea of changing your gender. Our driver called the whole thing “Devil Art”, yet he brought his 8-year old son to watch.

Our tour guide said he supported the show because it educates the people about trans-sexuals. Lots of different opinions were being expressed. I wasn’t saying anything (because I can’t speak Mandarin), but I couldn’t help but feel responsible for starting this whole battle. I didn’t think a simple “no” would launch a full-scale nuclear war, but it did. It ended when Mother In Law told the tour guide that we are his clients, and he shouldn’t argue with his clients. Like a true Canadian, I remained neutral, just sitting there drinking my beer.