We have a busy day ahead of us. It's all fun stuff, but I'm starting to realize that being a tourist can be tiring! First off, we went out for breakfast, which I must say was quite scrumptious. I never imagined that breakfast burritos were popular over here, but you'll find whole restaurants dedicated to wraps. You just sit down, choose your fillings, and wrap it up. We had roasted pork, fried eggs, bean sprouts, potatoes and green onion in ours. Just writing this is making me hungry again. I'll try to wrap this up as soon as possible.
After breakfast, we hopped on the subway train. We literally hopped too, as there is about a 6 inch gap between the platform and the train. This was an adventure worth telling about. The subway is a pretty inexpensive form of transportation here in Beijing. 2 Yuan will take you just about anywhere in the city. None of this paying extra for more "zones" crap like back in Vancouver. My wife is putting me to the test today. She's making me go up to the little window to purcahse our tickets. It might sound easy in principle, but for an Anglophone like me, even remembering the word for "two" can be difficult. It's doubly hard when they use different number systems depending on what you're counting. If it's two tickets, you say "Liang zhang piao". If counting, you say Ee, Ar meaning 1,2. Wierd, huh?
Now that we have our tickets, it's time to board the train. Here's something odd: they have people working on the platform who have the simple job of pushing, that's right pushing people onto the train. Back home, bus drivers will politely say "Move to the back please". In Beijing, it's more like "You don't wanna move to the back, then I'm gonna do it for you. We can fit another 30 or so people on this train, guys."
We reached our destination after about 20 minutes in Sardinia. Somebody on that train was a boozer, because even at this early hour, I could smell the sauce. We got off the train, walked up the hundred or so stairs and were on the street. We were looking for Tiantan park - the site of a few temples, museums and things. Oh, and it's also the main hangout for Senior Citizens to like to sing opera, dance and play strange instruments that you won't find at Long & McQuade. We walked down this long hallway, which I'll call "Music Alley". I was strolling through a crowd of people just as the music started, and I discovered that I was in the middle of a Senior Citizens' Dance Party, or Retro Boogie, if you will. I busted out a couple of moves, to the applause of the locals, and then I did the "Walk like an Egyptian" off the dancefloor. I always like to leave on a high note.
After Arthritic Electric Circus, we walked around to the Emperor's Hall of Prayer for Good Harvests. Now, I'm not a religious guy, quite the opposite in fact, but I guess Ancient China was full of tablet thumpers who believed in all sorts of legends, folklore, and worshipping things like sheep, corn, the sun and the moon. The big round temple was at the crest of a big hill, so you could see a panoramic view of the city of Beijing. Boy, that view must have looked a lot different in the old days when the temple was first built. There was probably less smog and not as many "Beijing 2008 Olympics" billboards.
We walked around some more and stumbled upon the "Echo Wall", a place that music nerds and audio engineers would love. It's a perfectly round wall, and when inside, people can stand on opposite sides of the ring and hear each other's voice perfectly. This sounds pretty interesting in principle, but when 50 or 60 people are trying to do it simultaneously, you get a frightening mix of yells, mostly from the dude standing next to you, screaming at the top of his lungs. Wait a minute, that's the rummy from the subway! And I'm pretty sure he's here alone. Yeah that's him alright. I'd recognize that lovely aroma anywhere. Sort of a mix of Gin, dirty laundry and cigarette butts. His smell was echoing inside my nose, so I figured it was time to leave.
I was getting hungry now, so I figured it was time to grab a snack. You can buy street meat all over this city - lamb skewers, shrimp, even strawberries and pineapples on a stick. I had 3 lamb skewers and i was all set for our evening workout. We were going ice skating!
My wife's cousin is a figure skating teacher at a popular rink here in Beijing. She's damn good too! Apparently she was the Chinese National Champoin a few years back, and just missed going to the Olympics in favour of someone younger. She was busy giving a lesson, but she made sure we were given skates, and granted access to the ice. What a feeling! When you've skated maybe once in the last decade, it's kind of awkward when you step on that ice again. Needless to say, I didn't attempt any triple axles or inverted sow cows. i just did a couple hundred laps, mostly of the forward persuasion. My wife was still a little sore from climbing the Great Wall the day before, so she wasn't as enthusiastic as me. Her cousin was flying around, teaching a young girl how to prance and dance on ice. Actually, she has a 9-year old daughter, who strapped on the skates to join us, but only after she finished doing her homework in her mom's office out back.
The daughter, whose name is Vivian by the way, was pretty talented. I guess when you get to be a rink rat every day, you pick up a thing or two. She was trying to teach me stuff, but I used the old excuse that I didn't want to fall because I on'y brought one pair of pants. Thats the truth! But also, I have a certain reputation to uphold. I am Canadian afterall. We are all born with hockey hair, no teeth and 9 months in the box, and here on the international stage, I wouldn't want to upset my fellow countrymen. I would probably be fined upon my return to Canada, and maybe I'd be banned from watching hockey for 1 year or something.
After we finished Dizzy on Ice, it was time for dinner. I was starving, too. Those 3 mystery meat sticks a gobbled earlier didn't quite fill me up. Somehow I knew though, that I would need to save room for dinner. Oh, and it was glorious. We went to an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant. Back home, I've been known to haunt the local sushi joints, and they know they're going to lose money when they see me walk in and then woddle out an hour or two later. I think you call that "Economies of Scale", although the scale is now broken, thanks to all the sushi.
With full bellies, we trotted across the street to cousin's apartment. Upstairs, little Vivian brought me a big bowl of ice cream. Jesus! What was I gonna do with this? I politely accepted it, and hey, there's always room for dessert. I'm on vacation aren't I? We hung out for a little while until I started to fall into a sushi-induced coma, and then we took off, heading again for the subway. I hope they don't push me too hard this time. I might pop! And nobody wants a sushi shower at this time of night.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Feb 27 - Nate The Great Wall Climber
We awoke at 6AM today, as we were getting picked up by a tour guide at 7, and were warned not to be late. I'm tired. I went to bed around midnight, so unless the fatigue and sleep deprivation has affected my math skills, that's 3 hours sleep in the last 2 nights. Sheesh! If I had known that the tour guide was going to be a full hour late, I could have slept in until 7. That would work out to 5 hours I think. Either that or the battery on my calculator needs charging.
We booked an English tour, so I was expecting to see a bus-load of bright-eyed, bushy-tailed foreigners. If I was lucky, I might see another Canadian so we could talk canoes or compare sasquatch sighting stories. But no, as usual I was the only whitey in the group. I'm used to this feeling, but then the tour guide started off on her schpeal, in Chinese, with no English translation! What gives?!? Luckily, my wife translated the important stuff for me, like "That's the tree where Emperor So and So hung himself." You know, a real feel-good story. When the bus stopped for a bathroom break, my wife and I confronted the guide. We were under the impression that it was an English tour. We paid an extra 20 Yuan for English, now I want my English! And put a little English on that with a side of English. My wife demanded we be reimbursed 40 Yuan, and the guide offered 20, witha promise to speak English from now on. It's not what we paid for, but I guess it's better than nothing. "Wait," she says. "Please don't tell the others how much you paid." Because we booked online, we saved about 100 Yuan each. Now wait a minute. Why the hell should we lie for her? We had to haggle the English out of her! Oh well, let's just get on with the tour. I've got a wall to climb!
Before the Great Wall, we were going to visit the burial site of the 13 Emperors of the Ming Dynasty. You'd think it would be depressing, but let me tell ya, these guys have pretty graves. I don't think they made off to badly. The archaeologists found tons of gold, silver, jade, and of course the remains of several dozen concubines aka hookers who were buried alive with the emperors. There was one emperor though, who was kind of a ladies man. He was more into drinking Crystoll with his bitches that leading the nation and all that "official" jazz. So, he abolished the dead hooker burials for all future emperors. Looks like they'll be lonely in the afterlife. I hope they at least brought a book to read or something!
We putted around the burial site some more, looking at the craftsmanship and all that. There are these tree trunks holding up one of the buildings that are as round as Michael moore and as tall as Godzilla. They even kept their original colour after all these years. That was cool. My dad would be into this. He's always bragging about his stash of "teak" - a highly valuable type of lumber. Most people buy RRSP's to help save for retirement. Not the old man. A stack of rare lumber is more up his alley. Even the bricks at the burial site had an interesting story. The name of the brick maker is stamped on every single brick surrounding the temple. If the emperor saw that the bricks were crumbling, or just weren't up to snuff as far as bricks go, he'd have the guy offed! If it was me, I'd just tell him to hit the bricks and never return. Get outta town Bricky!
We left the burial site, and on the way out, the tour guide told me that pretty much everything we saw today was a duplicate. The original site was destroyed by American and British soldiers in the 1800's. Way to spoil the party guys! I guess it was competing with Disneyland and Eurodisney back then. You mess with Disney, you'd better duck, Donald.
Next up, we went to a Jade factory. You know, the jewellry, It's kind of green, but not as dark as sapphire. The tour guide at the factory didn't speak English, so I just wandered around and touched stuff. Again, it turned out that I was at the mall. Everything in the factory was for sale, and they were "Craaaazy about low prices!" Well, I guess I'm crazy too, for not taking advantage of factory prices. I don't know, I'm just not a jewelry kinda guy. Heck, I take my wedding ring off sometimes, and No it's not for that reason. What a dirty mind you have, dirty mind. I guess I just didn't set out today thinking "Boy I'd like to buy a green bracelet today! Any ideas?"
We ate a delicious lunch and then it was time for the moment of truth - The Great Wall of China. Here's an interesting little tidbit for ya: At the time of the Wall's construction, it took 100,000 workers to slap the whole thing together. At the time, this was 1/5 the population of China. And unlike Ikea furniture, it didn't come with those funny instructions that show cartoon people stubbing their toes and looking bewildered, then finally calling in for assistance. These guys were hard core, and lots of them died in the process. There are hundreds of bodies buried beneath the stones of the Great Wall. How would you like to spend your entire afterlife letting people walk all over you?
We had roughly 2 hours to be back at the parking lot, and I had my sights set on the highest point of this section of Wall. It looked like a steep climg, but heck, I've climbed the Grouse Grind back in Vancouver enough times to make this look like child's play. My wife was not quite as pumped. I felt kinda bad for leaving her behind, but she said "Go ahead" and I was off to the races. I made it to the top, bought my "I climbed the Great Wall" T-Shirt and I was loving it. I closed my eyes and pictured the early days, with all the sentrys in their shiny armour, watching the hills for Mongol intruders. They must have been in immaculate physical condition, just from climbing this staircase every day. I was sweating from the climb, but just imagine climbing 40 or 50 flights of stairs wearing a suit of plate mail and carrying a 10 foot spear with you. That's what I call endurance. Whoever got posted to the Badaling entrance of the Great Wall must have been truly made of steel.
I stopped a few times, snapping pictures both for myself and anyone else who asked. Heck, I'm a good sport. I even wore my Vancouver Canucks T-Shirt today just so I could have my picture taken wearing the Canucks logo on the Great Wall of China. Hopefully that picture will end up at a bus stop somewhere in Vancouver and some kid will draw a mustache on me or write "I like Men" in a bubble next to my head. Ahhh to be famous.
I made it back to the bus on time, running down the last section with my wife, who I met halfway down. At least she tried. I gotta give her that. Plus, she made an error in footwear judgement. Here's a tip for anyone climbing the Great Wall: Wear comfortable shoes! My wife was wearing her winter boots, but she was leap years ahead of one wingnut I saw wearing stilleto heels. Honestly, you might as well go barefoot. I don't care if it's haute cou-ture, but high heels is foot tor-ture, to be sure.
I ended my little visit off by doing my part and vandalizing a sacred piece of Chinese history. i carved my name into one of the bricks on the Great Wall. It reads "N. Stafford - Canada - 2008" Can I get in trouble for that? Naah, as long as that brick doesn't crumble, the Emperor won't come looking for me. I think I'm in the clear.
We booked an English tour, so I was expecting to see a bus-load of bright-eyed, bushy-tailed foreigners. If I was lucky, I might see another Canadian so we could talk canoes or compare sasquatch sighting stories. But no, as usual I was the only whitey in the group. I'm used to this feeling, but then the tour guide started off on her schpeal, in Chinese, with no English translation! What gives?!? Luckily, my wife translated the important stuff for me, like "That's the tree where Emperor So and So hung himself." You know, a real feel-good story. When the bus stopped for a bathroom break, my wife and I confronted the guide. We were under the impression that it was an English tour. We paid an extra 20 Yuan for English, now I want my English! And put a little English on that with a side of English. My wife demanded we be reimbursed 40 Yuan, and the guide offered 20, witha promise to speak English from now on. It's not what we paid for, but I guess it's better than nothing. "Wait," she says. "Please don't tell the others how much you paid." Because we booked online, we saved about 100 Yuan each. Now wait a minute. Why the hell should we lie for her? We had to haggle the English out of her! Oh well, let's just get on with the tour. I've got a wall to climb!
Before the Great Wall, we were going to visit the burial site of the 13 Emperors of the Ming Dynasty. You'd think it would be depressing, but let me tell ya, these guys have pretty graves. I don't think they made off to badly. The archaeologists found tons of gold, silver, jade, and of course the remains of several dozen concubines aka hookers who were buried alive with the emperors. There was one emperor though, who was kind of a ladies man. He was more into drinking Crystoll with his bitches that leading the nation and all that "official" jazz. So, he abolished the dead hooker burials for all future emperors. Looks like they'll be lonely in the afterlife. I hope they at least brought a book to read or something!
We putted around the burial site some more, looking at the craftsmanship and all that. There are these tree trunks holding up one of the buildings that are as round as Michael moore and as tall as Godzilla. They even kept their original colour after all these years. That was cool. My dad would be into this. He's always bragging about his stash of "teak" - a highly valuable type of lumber. Most people buy RRSP's to help save for retirement. Not the old man. A stack of rare lumber is more up his alley. Even the bricks at the burial site had an interesting story. The name of the brick maker is stamped on every single brick surrounding the temple. If the emperor saw that the bricks were crumbling, or just weren't up to snuff as far as bricks go, he'd have the guy offed! If it was me, I'd just tell him to hit the bricks and never return. Get outta town Bricky!
We left the burial site, and on the way out, the tour guide told me that pretty much everything we saw today was a duplicate. The original site was destroyed by American and British soldiers in the 1800's. Way to spoil the party guys! I guess it was competing with Disneyland and Eurodisney back then. You mess with Disney, you'd better duck, Donald.
Next up, we went to a Jade factory. You know, the jewellry, It's kind of green, but not as dark as sapphire. The tour guide at the factory didn't speak English, so I just wandered around and touched stuff. Again, it turned out that I was at the mall. Everything in the factory was for sale, and they were "Craaaazy about low prices!" Well, I guess I'm crazy too, for not taking advantage of factory prices. I don't know, I'm just not a jewelry kinda guy. Heck, I take my wedding ring off sometimes, and No it's not for that reason. What a dirty mind you have, dirty mind. I guess I just didn't set out today thinking "Boy I'd like to buy a green bracelet today! Any ideas?"
We ate a delicious lunch and then it was time for the moment of truth - The Great Wall of China. Here's an interesting little tidbit for ya: At the time of the Wall's construction, it took 100,000 workers to slap the whole thing together. At the time, this was 1/5 the population of China. And unlike Ikea furniture, it didn't come with those funny instructions that show cartoon people stubbing their toes and looking bewildered, then finally calling in for assistance. These guys were hard core, and lots of them died in the process. There are hundreds of bodies buried beneath the stones of the Great Wall. How would you like to spend your entire afterlife letting people walk all over you?
We had roughly 2 hours to be back at the parking lot, and I had my sights set on the highest point of this section of Wall. It looked like a steep climg, but heck, I've climbed the Grouse Grind back in Vancouver enough times to make this look like child's play. My wife was not quite as pumped. I felt kinda bad for leaving her behind, but she said "Go ahead" and I was off to the races. I made it to the top, bought my "I climbed the Great Wall" T-Shirt and I was loving it. I closed my eyes and pictured the early days, with all the sentrys in their shiny armour, watching the hills for Mongol intruders. They must have been in immaculate physical condition, just from climbing this staircase every day. I was sweating from the climb, but just imagine climbing 40 or 50 flights of stairs wearing a suit of plate mail and carrying a 10 foot spear with you. That's what I call endurance. Whoever got posted to the Badaling entrance of the Great Wall must have been truly made of steel.
I stopped a few times, snapping pictures both for myself and anyone else who asked. Heck, I'm a good sport. I even wore my Vancouver Canucks T-Shirt today just so I could have my picture taken wearing the Canucks logo on the Great Wall of China. Hopefully that picture will end up at a bus stop somewhere in Vancouver and some kid will draw a mustache on me or write "I like Men" in a bubble next to my head. Ahhh to be famous.
I made it back to the bus on time, running down the last section with my wife, who I met halfway down. At least she tried. I gotta give her that. Plus, she made an error in footwear judgement. Here's a tip for anyone climbing the Great Wall: Wear comfortable shoes! My wife was wearing her winter boots, but she was leap years ahead of one wingnut I saw wearing stilleto heels. Honestly, you might as well go barefoot. I don't care if it's haute cou-ture, but high heels is foot tor-ture, to be sure.
I ended my little visit off by doing my part and vandalizing a sacred piece of Chinese history. i carved my name into one of the bricks on the Great Wall. It reads "N. Stafford - Canada - 2008" Can I get in trouble for that? Naah, as long as that brick doesn't crumble, the Emperor won't come looking for me. I think I'm in the clear.
Feb 26th - I Wish Salesmen Were Forbiddden in the City
Today we walked to Tiananmen Square after getting settled at our hotel in downtown Beijing. I'd describe the view from our hotel room, but we decided to go with the cheapest little number inthe place, which doesn't come with a window. Maybe we'll change rooms tomorrow, but right now it seems like a bit of a pane. I didn't sleep at all on the train last night, so I'm inclined to crash just about anywhere tonight. My, that pile of broken beer bottles is looking like a feather bed right now. Very inviting. But no, there are places to go, people to sell us stuff.
This brings me to our little visit to Tiananmen Square. By the way, it seems to be perfectly square by all my calculations. I was worried that it would turn out to be just another rhombus or trapezoid, and my trip would be ruined. But no! Baby, it's square and I'm hip to it. Down the street, you can see the building where former Chinese leader Mao's body is resting. For five bucks you can get up close enough to see his body. All that separates you from his Commie Corpse is a 1/4 inch sheet of glass. Spooky! I don't know the number for Beijing Ghostbusters, so I better not chance it. I'll just walk on by.
Now on to the Forbidden City. The first thing I noticed was the red paint. Everywhere. I think the Chinese people believe that red is their collective colour, because it's everywhere! Red walls, red flags, red rum... We walked across a little bridge and were suddenly inside this ancient fortress surrounded by walls, roughly 30 feet tall. The buildings were incredibly detailed, with thatched roofs and gold paint everywhere. It's just so fabulous, that I have a feeling - and it's just a feeling - that the Emperor was either a bit of a Fairy, or he had some help from the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy team. I will only say that once, because if that opinion went public, I would probably have my right hand cut off and I'd be forced to do the rest of my writing with my nose or big toe.
It's been established that I hate the mall. I can't drag myself into those retail stores because those smarmy clerks are always verbally assaulting me. "May I help you?" Jeez, I'm not an invalid. I can help myself thank you very much. Now, please allow me to check out back for my size. Do you honestly think they really have to "Check out back" every time? Don't you think they would have a rough idea what's in stock? And why is the store room always at the back of the store? Couldn't they check on the side? Or in the attic? I want to shop at a store where they say: "Yes, we might have that. Let me chack the Lazy Susan."
Now, back to the forbidden city. I was just looking around, minding my own business, when I found myself being attacked by salesmen everywhere I turned. They would say "Hello ____ (insert product). Hello. T-Shirt. Hello. Soft Drink. Hello. Restraining Order!" A few guys were trying to sell me guided tours of other tourist traps. "Hello. Great Wall. Hello. Terra Cotta Warriors." I'll just go with this one for now thanks. Where are we again? Oh right, the mall. Do you have this in a Go to Hell? Maybe. I'll check out back.
This brings me to our little visit to Tiananmen Square. By the way, it seems to be perfectly square by all my calculations. I was worried that it would turn out to be just another rhombus or trapezoid, and my trip would be ruined. But no! Baby, it's square and I'm hip to it. Down the street, you can see the building where former Chinese leader Mao's body is resting. For five bucks you can get up close enough to see his body. All that separates you from his Commie Corpse is a 1/4 inch sheet of glass. Spooky! I don't know the number for Beijing Ghostbusters, so I better not chance it. I'll just walk on by.
Now on to the Forbidden City. The first thing I noticed was the red paint. Everywhere. I think the Chinese people believe that red is their collective colour, because it's everywhere! Red walls, red flags, red rum... We walked across a little bridge and were suddenly inside this ancient fortress surrounded by walls, roughly 30 feet tall. The buildings were incredibly detailed, with thatched roofs and gold paint everywhere. It's just so fabulous, that I have a feeling - and it's just a feeling - that the Emperor was either a bit of a Fairy, or he had some help from the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy team. I will only say that once, because if that opinion went public, I would probably have my right hand cut off and I'd be forced to do the rest of my writing with my nose or big toe.
It's been established that I hate the mall. I can't drag myself into those retail stores because those smarmy clerks are always verbally assaulting me. "May I help you?" Jeez, I'm not an invalid. I can help myself thank you very much. Now, please allow me to check out back for my size. Do you honestly think they really have to "Check out back" every time? Don't you think they would have a rough idea what's in stock? And why is the store room always at the back of the store? Couldn't they check on the side? Or in the attic? I want to shop at a store where they say: "Yes, we might have that. Let me chack the Lazy Susan."
Now, back to the forbidden city. I was just looking around, minding my own business, when I found myself being attacked by salesmen everywhere I turned. They would say "Hello ____ (insert product). Hello. T-Shirt. Hello. Soft Drink. Hello. Restraining Order!" A few guys were trying to sell me guided tours of other tourist traps. "Hello. Great Wall. Hello. Terra Cotta Warriors." I'll just go with this one for now thanks. Where are we again? Oh right, the mall. Do you have this in a Go to Hell? Maybe. I'll check out back.
Feb 25th - Pains, Trains & Automobiles, Beijing Style
We just completed our 10-hour journey from Harbin to Beijing via rail. No, it wasn't the actual company VIA Rail. I'm pretty sure that's only in Canada. Pity. We took the 2nd cheapest option, so I imagine it's one step up from the livestock cars. But brother, the smells don't lie. We were down on the farm.
The first little debacle we ran into was the fact that my wife and I weren't seated together. We bought our tickets at the last minute, and there wasn't much to choose from. She was in car #2 and I was in #18 aka the Foreigner Car. No, it's not a car that blasts 70's arena rock band Foreigner all night long, but believe me, I dropped a note in the suggestion box regarding said issue. I didn't have my mullet teased and zuma pants dry cleaned for nothing! After some wonderful haggling by my wife, I swapped tickets with someone, and we were together at last.
Now, to describe the passenger compartments or "sleepers" as they are called, you would have to picture a prision cell, or perhaps a jail on rails. I'm pretty sure most convicts try to squeeze in a rail whenever possible, but I was on 2 all night long, and brother, it was a bumpy ride. Each sleeper fits 4 prisioners, in bunkbeds on either side of the doorway. I felt like I was in that movie Sleep Away Camp, but I hope the ending would turn out a little differently. You know where "Sam" reveals to everyone that she is a Samuel and not a Samantha.
We had 2 other cellmates in our sleeper. A lady who was instantly asleep when we arrived, or at least pretending to be, and my new best friend, the ultimate travel companion. You, know, the kind of guy you just love to share a long journey with. Here was a guy with not one but two cellphones, one of which had a dead battery so it kept bleeping every 2 minutes, and the other had a guitar riff ring tone from Skid Row that was cranked up to eleven. But that my friends, was just the beginning...
When the lights went out, I discovered our bunkmate's true charm. I guess he is a snorer/sleep talker. Actually, he's more of a sleep crier. I swear to you, he was sobbing in his sleep. Now I really felt like I was in prision. I didn't sleep a wink for the entire trip, partly because it was stiflingly hot in our little sleeper sauna, and mostly because I was afraid that if I dozed off, "Tiny" over there would resort to prision rules and adopt me as his teddy bear to help curb the night sobbing. Who knows, maybe he had a bad experience at summer camp when he was oh, 37. But, you can't really hold a grudge against someone for things they do in their sleep. I wouldn't dream of it.
We finally arrived at Beijing Station and we ran into the nice fellow who swapped tickets with me. My wife told him about our adventures, and how I spent the night cowering in the corner of my bunk, gripping my pillow tight, not sleeping a wink. Actually, he said his night was pretty similar, and he didn't sleep a wink either. Meanwhile, our faithful bunkmate was having some trouble pulling his jumbo suitcase out from under the bottom bunk, but since he was the only one of us who got any sleep, I figured he could handle it himself.
Outside the train station, mayhem ensued. As my wife stood in line to buy tickets for our trip home, I stood by watching thousands of people pushing and shoving in a huge lineup, which I figured was for the soup kitchen, the way they hungrily shoved each other and stepped on toes. Actually, this was the line for catching a taxi, and we were about to join in the fun. Now, I've seen line weasels at work, but this must have been a cutting-in-line convention. Christ, was nothing sacred? I made up a little song for the occasion:
"When I went to China, what did I find? Nobody knows how to wait in line."
My wife told me to be aggressive, so I started blocking the weasels from cutting in front of me, using my giant backpack like a heavy bag, swinging it at the culprits, left and right. I let one family go ahead of me though. They had a toddler with them who looked like he was pretty cold. So I guess some weaselry is justified. I'm not heartless, no. But just because you are slippery, and know how to work the angles, that doesn't merit you a taxi before everybody else. We eventually got our taxi, after my wife got into a bit of a scuffle with a Chinese couple who tried to pin her against the fence to get by. Their reason: "We're older than you, so we shouldn't have to wait in line." Well, I'm pretty sure if I kept letting people pass me, I'll be a senior citizen pretty soon too. Taxi!
When we arrived at the hotel to check into the room we so wisely booked ahead of time, there was a bit of an issue. You can't get in unless you show your passport. I guess it's a new rule becuase of the olympics. Any foreigner, as well as anyone travelling with said foreigner must show a passport before they can check in. Fair enough. I guess if I go ahead and steal all their towels and miniature soaps, they can have me deported. Fair trade.
My wife, still being a Chinese citizen and all, didn't feel the need to bring her passport with her on this little trip, seeing as how we haven't left China. All she had on her were here Canadian Permanent Resident Card, and her BC Driver's License. That, and a plastic bag, can get you a big ol' bag of nothin' at this hotel. She had to phone home and have the maid fax her passport to the hotel office. While we were waiting, the desk clerk suggested that we wait in the restaurant. I think it was just a big scam to get us to buy some breakfast, which we did.
Now, I know I promised that I wouldn't describe any bodily functions in this blog, but if I were to let that rule slip just this once, I would describe a big one about 3 1/2 minutes after ingesting the "International Buffet". I wonder if the food needed to show its passport, because as soon as it checked in, there must have been a problem with the accomodations, because it immediately checked out. I suppose my edible guests didn't feel at home, and left out the back way without leaving a tip. They were loud, rude and crude, and I had to clean up a big mess after them. Some guests overstay their welcome. These ones didn't stay around long enough for that problem to arise. We experienced a sort of "falling out" that still haunts me to this day.
Now that we're in our room, I think we'll have a little nap before heading out to explore Beijing. First on the docket is Tienman Square. I've brought my tape measure, compass and protractor along on this trip, so it better be perfectly square, or I'm going home.
The first little debacle we ran into was the fact that my wife and I weren't seated together. We bought our tickets at the last minute, and there wasn't much to choose from. She was in car #2 and I was in #18 aka the Foreigner Car. No, it's not a car that blasts 70's arena rock band Foreigner all night long, but believe me, I dropped a note in the suggestion box regarding said issue. I didn't have my mullet teased and zuma pants dry cleaned for nothing! After some wonderful haggling by my wife, I swapped tickets with someone, and we were together at last.
Now, to describe the passenger compartments or "sleepers" as they are called, you would have to picture a prision cell, or perhaps a jail on rails. I'm pretty sure most convicts try to squeeze in a rail whenever possible, but I was on 2 all night long, and brother, it was a bumpy ride. Each sleeper fits 4 prisioners, in bunkbeds on either side of the doorway. I felt like I was in that movie Sleep Away Camp, but I hope the ending would turn out a little differently. You know where "Sam" reveals to everyone that she is a Samuel and not a Samantha.
We had 2 other cellmates in our sleeper. A lady who was instantly asleep when we arrived, or at least pretending to be, and my new best friend, the ultimate travel companion. You, know, the kind of guy you just love to share a long journey with. Here was a guy with not one but two cellphones, one of which had a dead battery so it kept bleeping every 2 minutes, and the other had a guitar riff ring tone from Skid Row that was cranked up to eleven. But that my friends, was just the beginning...
When the lights went out, I discovered our bunkmate's true charm. I guess he is a snorer/sleep talker. Actually, he's more of a sleep crier. I swear to you, he was sobbing in his sleep. Now I really felt like I was in prision. I didn't sleep a wink for the entire trip, partly because it was stiflingly hot in our little sleeper sauna, and mostly because I was afraid that if I dozed off, "Tiny" over there would resort to prision rules and adopt me as his teddy bear to help curb the night sobbing. Who knows, maybe he had a bad experience at summer camp when he was oh, 37. But, you can't really hold a grudge against someone for things they do in their sleep. I wouldn't dream of it.
We finally arrived at Beijing Station and we ran into the nice fellow who swapped tickets with me. My wife told him about our adventures, and how I spent the night cowering in the corner of my bunk, gripping my pillow tight, not sleeping a wink. Actually, he said his night was pretty similar, and he didn't sleep a wink either. Meanwhile, our faithful bunkmate was having some trouble pulling his jumbo suitcase out from under the bottom bunk, but since he was the only one of us who got any sleep, I figured he could handle it himself.
Outside the train station, mayhem ensued. As my wife stood in line to buy tickets for our trip home, I stood by watching thousands of people pushing and shoving in a huge lineup, which I figured was for the soup kitchen, the way they hungrily shoved each other and stepped on toes. Actually, this was the line for catching a taxi, and we were about to join in the fun. Now, I've seen line weasels at work, but this must have been a cutting-in-line convention. Christ, was nothing sacred? I made up a little song for the occasion:
"When I went to China, what did I find? Nobody knows how to wait in line."
My wife told me to be aggressive, so I started blocking the weasels from cutting in front of me, using my giant backpack like a heavy bag, swinging it at the culprits, left and right. I let one family go ahead of me though. They had a toddler with them who looked like he was pretty cold. So I guess some weaselry is justified. I'm not heartless, no. But just because you are slippery, and know how to work the angles, that doesn't merit you a taxi before everybody else. We eventually got our taxi, after my wife got into a bit of a scuffle with a Chinese couple who tried to pin her against the fence to get by. Their reason: "We're older than you, so we shouldn't have to wait in line." Well, I'm pretty sure if I kept letting people pass me, I'll be a senior citizen pretty soon too. Taxi!
When we arrived at the hotel to check into the room we so wisely booked ahead of time, there was a bit of an issue. You can't get in unless you show your passport. I guess it's a new rule becuase of the olympics. Any foreigner, as well as anyone travelling with said foreigner must show a passport before they can check in. Fair enough. I guess if I go ahead and steal all their towels and miniature soaps, they can have me deported. Fair trade.
My wife, still being a Chinese citizen and all, didn't feel the need to bring her passport with her on this little trip, seeing as how we haven't left China. All she had on her were here Canadian Permanent Resident Card, and her BC Driver's License. That, and a plastic bag, can get you a big ol' bag of nothin' at this hotel. She had to phone home and have the maid fax her passport to the hotel office. While we were waiting, the desk clerk suggested that we wait in the restaurant. I think it was just a big scam to get us to buy some breakfast, which we did.
Now, I know I promised that I wouldn't describe any bodily functions in this blog, but if I were to let that rule slip just this once, I would describe a big one about 3 1/2 minutes after ingesting the "International Buffet". I wonder if the food needed to show its passport, because as soon as it checked in, there must have been a problem with the accomodations, because it immediately checked out. I suppose my edible guests didn't feel at home, and left out the back way without leaving a tip. They were loud, rude and crude, and I had to clean up a big mess after them. Some guests overstay their welcome. These ones didn't stay around long enough for that problem to arise. We experienced a sort of "falling out" that still haunts me to this day.
Now that we're in our room, I think we'll have a little nap before heading out to explore Beijing. First on the docket is Tienman Square. I've brought my tape measure, compass and protractor along on this trip, so it better be perfectly square, or I'm going home.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Feb 25th - Ain't Nuthin' But A BeiJing Thing
I was just informed that we'll be taking a train to BeiJing tonight. Being the capital city of the country, I am sure it's busier and probably more polluted than Harbin, where we are currently staying. I need to pack some clothes, but I have no idea how long we'll be staying for. These details are still being worked out. I don't want to sound like a bore, but taking off to a totally foreign (literally) city with no set plans can be kind of well, exciting!! Yeah! Let's do it!
We won't be totally cut off from reality though. My wife's friend lives in BeiJing, and another cousin works a couple hours away. At least we'll be able to throw together a search party, in case I decide to go wandering around the Great Wall, or if my sleepwalking kicks in again. I've been pretty good so far. I haven't gotten up once to raid the refrigerator in the middle of the night. Back home, I've been known to chow down while snoring. Usually my wife will catch me on my way down the stairs, but if she's in a really deep sleep, I can usually eat my way through a tub of ice cream or a pack of cold cuts before I wake up and realize what I'm doing.
While in BeiJing, we are going to visit the Great Wall, Tienenman Square, hopefully The Forbidden City, and I'm excited to see what the inside of a dumpster looks like in BeiJing. I hear they use that new yellow paint for their dumpsters. It should be very memorable.
So, I won't be posting anything for a few days, but rest assured I'll keep a journal and type everything out when I return to Harbin. Happy trails, and thanks for reading.
We won't be totally cut off from reality though. My wife's friend lives in BeiJing, and another cousin works a couple hours away. At least we'll be able to throw together a search party, in case I decide to go wandering around the Great Wall, or if my sleepwalking kicks in again. I've been pretty good so far. I haven't gotten up once to raid the refrigerator in the middle of the night. Back home, I've been known to chow down while snoring. Usually my wife will catch me on my way down the stairs, but if she's in a really deep sleep, I can usually eat my way through a tub of ice cream or a pack of cold cuts before I wake up and realize what I'm doing.
While in BeiJing, we are going to visit the Great Wall, Tienenman Square, hopefully The Forbidden City, and I'm excited to see what the inside of a dumpster looks like in BeiJing. I hear they use that new yellow paint for their dumpsters. It should be very memorable.
So, I won't be posting anything for a few days, but rest assured I'll keep a journal and type everything out when I return to Harbin. Happy trails, and thanks for reading.
Feb 24th - The Kids Are Alright
Tonight I went out to a restaurant with my Mother-In-Law's boss and his family. And of course my wife, mother-in-law, cousin, auntie and uncle came along too. I was immediately greeted at the door by the boss' daughter, who said "Hello! What is your name?" I said Hello back, and told her my name, and then she told me her English name is Becky. I asked how old she was, and she was 10. "Alright!" I thought. Someone at my intellectual level! Finally I can talk about boogers with somebody! But boy was I in for a surprise. Not only did this little girl speak English almost fluently, but her grammer was better than mine! Boy did I feel like a dirtbag.
Becky had conveniently just come from a 1-hour English lesson and was ready to talk. She told me about her hobbies, as well as things she hates (apparently she doesn't like soccer or singing) and educated me on the capital city of China. "Beijing is known for it's natural beauty and many historical sites," she said. I said, "Cool. I like lookin' at stuff." She looked at me a little odd, and I said "Thank you. I look forward to visiting Beijing." Looks like I can only get through to her if I use the Queen's English, and not Ricky & Bubbles' of the Trailer Park Boys. Dangit, there goes all my toilet humour down the uhh... toilet. See, even my puns were thrown off tonight!
Her teacher, she tells me, is an Australian man who is very intellegent. Oh boy. They have a 1-hour conversation, and Becky's parents pay him handsomely for it. I can see her mom & dad egging her on to test her English on me. Becky proudly tells me that she wants to be a writer or a teacher, and apparently she's read quite a bit. Her favourite subjects are English and Chinese. Now, most kids pick on a bookworm, but myself once being a rather chubby, literate child, I actually liked her. I could relate. She was a little on the large side, but unlike young Nathan, it didn't seem to bother her. I said jokingly after dinner that I needed a nap. She said she was going for a walk tonight to burn off some of the fat. Jeez, this kid is makin' me look bad.
After the adults chit-chatted for a bit, Becky's father gave her the bill. She asked me to come downstairs with her. Uh oh. That time I nodded, was I agreeing to pick up the bill? What I didn't see was that the father slipped out and already pai, he just wanted Becky to go down and get the change. I followed her to the elevator and we went down to the cashier. She grabbed the change, counted it, looked the bill over and nodded to the cashier. Apparently she's her father's accountant as well. Then she asked me a funny question. "When will I see you again?" I had to think about this one. I said "What are you doing tomorrow?" She said she had another English lesson tomorrow. Maybe we can have dinner again and she can practise her English some more with me? It was kinda cute, but i said "Sorry, I'm busy tomorrow evening. Perhaps another time." She said "Okay. It was very nice meeting you. Good-bye"
So, I made a new friend today. I just hope my wife doesn't get the wrong idea... She's just my English teacher.
Becky had conveniently just come from a 1-hour English lesson and was ready to talk. She told me about her hobbies, as well as things she hates (apparently she doesn't like soccer or singing) and educated me on the capital city of China. "Beijing is known for it's natural beauty and many historical sites," she said. I said, "Cool. I like lookin' at stuff." She looked at me a little odd, and I said "Thank you. I look forward to visiting Beijing." Looks like I can only get through to her if I use the Queen's English, and not Ricky & Bubbles' of the Trailer Park Boys. Dangit, there goes all my toilet humour down the uhh... toilet. See, even my puns were thrown off tonight!
Her teacher, she tells me, is an Australian man who is very intellegent. Oh boy. They have a 1-hour conversation, and Becky's parents pay him handsomely for it. I can see her mom & dad egging her on to test her English on me. Becky proudly tells me that she wants to be a writer or a teacher, and apparently she's read quite a bit. Her favourite subjects are English and Chinese. Now, most kids pick on a bookworm, but myself once being a rather chubby, literate child, I actually liked her. I could relate. She was a little on the large side, but unlike young Nathan, it didn't seem to bother her. I said jokingly after dinner that I needed a nap. She said she was going for a walk tonight to burn off some of the fat. Jeez, this kid is makin' me look bad.
After the adults chit-chatted for a bit, Becky's father gave her the bill. She asked me to come downstairs with her. Uh oh. That time I nodded, was I agreeing to pick up the bill? What I didn't see was that the father slipped out and already pai, he just wanted Becky to go down and get the change. I followed her to the elevator and we went down to the cashier. She grabbed the change, counted it, looked the bill over and nodded to the cashier. Apparently she's her father's accountant as well. Then she asked me a funny question. "When will I see you again?" I had to think about this one. I said "What are you doing tomorrow?" She said she had another English lesson tomorrow. Maybe we can have dinner again and she can practise her English some more with me? It was kinda cute, but i said "Sorry, I'm busy tomorrow evening. Perhaps another time." She said "Okay. It was very nice meeting you. Good-bye"
So, I made a new friend today. I just hope my wife doesn't get the wrong idea... She's just my English teacher.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Feb 22nd - Let's Make A DVDeal
We went back to the DVD store today. I have a pretty good feeling that most, or actually all of these DVDs are pirated. I have nothing against pirates, in fact I think parrots are pretty cool animals, and I try to use the word "swashbuckling" as often as I can. "My that's a swashbuckling sweater you have on!", "May I offer you a small swashbuckling of tea?" etc etc. Since the store clerk agreed that we could test the dvds before we buy them, we brought my wife's laptop down to the shop with us. My wife's cousin gave us a drive in his van, and he locked his swashbuckling keys in the van! I have a story about a friend smashing his own window with a rock in such a situation, but since it happened in Canada, it doesn't really fit this blog.
As Cousin Larry made a few calls to try to track down his co-worker to whom he gave his spare key, we sifted through the English titles back at the DVD shop. They actually had a fair amount of new releases, and some yet-to-be-releases. The movie "Juno", which was still in theatres last time I checked, was there, so I grabbed it, along with maybe 5 others I hadn't seen yet. My wife picked out around 6 or 7 she liked, and we were about ready to leave. Then I found another row that I hadn't seen before. We were only looking at the New Releases. And now for the piece de resistance. I couldn't believe my eyes. They had my favourite movie of all time - A Clockwork Orange. I had to buy it. I also saw a WWII movie called The Big Red One, which I've heard good things about, and also a Clint Eastwood Collection - 9 films on one DVD!
After our Supermarket Sweep was over (anyone who was a kid or shut-in in the early 90's would remember that show), I set up the laptop and got ready to test our potential purchases. My heart sank when I put in the first DVD - The Clint Eastwood Collection. The menu came up alright, but when I clicked on The Good The Bad & The Ugly, it got ugly. The computer started making this loud whirring noise, and then it said "Skipping Over Damaged Area". Ok, I've seen that before, maybe the disk is scratched, or there's a hair on it. I pressed eject and it said "Disk Error". Then I pressed Esc and it said "Device Not Available". Not only was this a bunk DVD, now it was stuck in the computer! Panicking, I restarted the computer, and then before the DVD had a chance to boot up, I ejected it. Phew! I felt like chucking the rest of the DVDs back in the bin and getting the hell out of there, but my wife urged me to press on.
It must have been a compression issue or something, because every single DVD played fine, had sound, and ejected when I told it to. I guess you can't fit 9 movies on a single DVD without something going haywire. At that point you've angered the Gods of Blockbuster and Universal Studios and there's no going back. Pretty soon Spielberg is gonna show up at your house, point a finger at you and say "Hand over that copy of E.T."
Since all of the DVDs worked, and my wife's cousin returned with his keys, it was time to check out. You wouldn't believe the deal we got - 12 DVDs plus one of those travel cases with the cutest little kitten on it - for only 90 Yuan. Let's see, that works out to $13 CDN. Wow! What a deal! Then I realized that Cousin Larry threw out his business card on the counter. It turns out he works for the Copyright Board or something here in China, and it's his job to go around and bust people for making and selling pirated CDs and DVDs. The store clerk knows how to play the game. She's not going to GIVE him the DVDs, but pretty close.
Well it seems that you get what you pay for. When we got home, we popped in one of the DVDs, and just as we were getting into it, it froze. We tried everything - fast-forwarding it, clicking on a Chapter ahead, wiping off the disk, you name it. We were hooped. We put that DVD aside, to return tomorrow, and watched another. This time, the DVD worked fine. We watched another one. Fine. I guess we'll have to watch all 12 movies now, just to see if they work, or if we have to take them back to the Pirate Ship. Looks like I better pop some corn. We've got a long night ahead of us.
As Cousin Larry made a few calls to try to track down his co-worker to whom he gave his spare key, we sifted through the English titles back at the DVD shop. They actually had a fair amount of new releases, and some yet-to-be-releases. The movie "Juno", which was still in theatres last time I checked, was there, so I grabbed it, along with maybe 5 others I hadn't seen yet. My wife picked out around 6 or 7 she liked, and we were about ready to leave. Then I found another row that I hadn't seen before. We were only looking at the New Releases. And now for the piece de resistance. I couldn't believe my eyes. They had my favourite movie of all time - A Clockwork Orange. I had to buy it. I also saw a WWII movie called The Big Red One, which I've heard good things about, and also a Clint Eastwood Collection - 9 films on one DVD!
After our Supermarket Sweep was over (anyone who was a kid or shut-in in the early 90's would remember that show), I set up the laptop and got ready to test our potential purchases. My heart sank when I put in the first DVD - The Clint Eastwood Collection. The menu came up alright, but when I clicked on The Good The Bad & The Ugly, it got ugly. The computer started making this loud whirring noise, and then it said "Skipping Over Damaged Area". Ok, I've seen that before, maybe the disk is scratched, or there's a hair on it. I pressed eject and it said "Disk Error". Then I pressed Esc and it said "Device Not Available". Not only was this a bunk DVD, now it was stuck in the computer! Panicking, I restarted the computer, and then before the DVD had a chance to boot up, I ejected it. Phew! I felt like chucking the rest of the DVDs back in the bin and getting the hell out of there, but my wife urged me to press on.
It must have been a compression issue or something, because every single DVD played fine, had sound, and ejected when I told it to. I guess you can't fit 9 movies on a single DVD without something going haywire. At that point you've angered the Gods of Blockbuster and Universal Studios and there's no going back. Pretty soon Spielberg is gonna show up at your house, point a finger at you and say "Hand over that copy of E.T."
Since all of the DVDs worked, and my wife's cousin returned with his keys, it was time to check out. You wouldn't believe the deal we got - 12 DVDs plus one of those travel cases with the cutest little kitten on it - for only 90 Yuan. Let's see, that works out to $13 CDN. Wow! What a deal! Then I realized that Cousin Larry threw out his business card on the counter. It turns out he works for the Copyright Board or something here in China, and it's his job to go around and bust people for making and selling pirated CDs and DVDs. The store clerk knows how to play the game. She's not going to GIVE him the DVDs, but pretty close.
Well it seems that you get what you pay for. When we got home, we popped in one of the DVDs, and just as we were getting into it, it froze. We tried everything - fast-forwarding it, clicking on a Chapter ahead, wiping off the disk, you name it. We were hooped. We put that DVD aside, to return tomorrow, and watched another. This time, the DVD worked fine. We watched another one. Fine. I guess we'll have to watch all 12 movies now, just to see if they work, or if we have to take them back to the Pirate Ship. Looks like I better pop some corn. We've got a long night ahead of us.
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